ADHD, Anxiety, and Perfectionism With Laura [Video]

By Understood

Host Laura Key shares her own “aha” moment in this inaugural episode of “ADHD Aha!” Laura was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. But it took an emotional moment in her childhood bedroom to finally show her that her ADHD is real. Amanda Morin joins Laura to talk about ADHD in women and girls, anxiety, and why so many people with ADHD are perfectionists.

To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood. https://www.understood.org/podcast/ad…

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at ADHDAha@understood.org.

Understood is a nonprofit and social impact organization dedicated to shaping a world where the 1 in 5 people who learn and think differently can thrive. Learn more about “ADHD Aha!” and all our podcasts at u.org/podcasts.

Copyright © 2021 Understood for All, Inc. All rights reserved. Understood is not affiliated with any pharmaceutical company.

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:00
i stumbled across
0:02
one particular journal from when i was
0:03
13 or 14.
0:05
and
0:06
every other page just had the word focus
0:09
scribbled all over the pages
0:12
everywhere in different shapes some in
0:14
bubble letters like a kid would do it
0:16
was
0:16
very emotional to see my childhood
0:19
writing and my childhood struggles
0:21
all coming together and i just started
0:23
crying
0:25
i was bawling it just became clear and i
0:28
was like oh this is real i have adhd
0:39
i didn’t believe my diagnosis when i got
0:41
it
0:42
i thought it’s just gonna go away
0:45
maybe it was stigma
0:47
maybe my perfectionist self blamed my
0:49
own willpower and thought that i should
0:51
just be able to deal with it on my own
0:54
but more than anything
0:55
i didn’t think i deserved a reason to
0:58
struggle
0:59
i was 30 when i got my adhd diagnosis
1:03
now it’s about 10 years later and i’ve
1:05
had many aha moments that helped me be
1:07
kinder to myself
1:08
but the most important aha moment was
1:11
the first one i ever had
1:13
it was the moment that showed me that my
1:15
adhd was real and it hit me like a ton
1:19
of bricks
1:20
hi i’m your host laura key i’m the
1:23
editorial director at understood and i
1:25
have adhd
1:27
welcome to adhd aha
1:29
on our show we’re gonna dive into the
1:31
moments that make people go yep it’s
1:33
really real
1:35
the moments when the symptoms of adhd
1:37
become crystal clear
1:39
each episode will hear a story from
1:41
someone new
1:42
that might be a person with adhd
1:45
or someone who noticed adhd in someone
1:47
else
1:48
and this week
1:49
that person
1:50
is me
1:54
[Music]
1:55
i’m already laughing because i’m here
1:57
today with my dear friend amanda morin
2:00
who is the host of the init podcast
2:01
which is also part of the understood
2:03
podcast network this is our first
2:05
episode and we’re already going to go
2:07
you know off script because normally
2:09
what you’re going to hear is me
2:10
interviewing the story sharer from the
2:13
first segment of each show
2:15
but this week since
2:17
i’m the one who shared my story amanda
2:20
is going to be interviewing me
2:22
so welcome amanda thank you for being
2:24
here oh it’s so much fun to be here
2:26
today and we spent so much time working
2:29
on in it together that this is a fun way
2:31
of flipping the tables
2:33
so since i get to interview you today
2:35
i’m just going to take right over laura
2:37
how does that sound okay i’m ready so
2:40
laura you have adhd i do you also have
2:42
anxiety i do
2:44
can you tell me if there’s a connection
2:46
between the two for you oh yes there is
2:48
a connection and it is very hard to
2:50
untangle most of the time and that’s
2:52
part of what
2:54
led me to my big aha moment
2:56
i was diagnosed with anxiety in my late
2:59
20s and i was prescribed anti-anxiety
3:02
medication no i didn’t want to take it
3:04
because i being the
3:07
tough midwestern girl that i am thought
3:09
that i could just pull myself up by the
3:10
bootstraps and i didn’t actually need
3:12
medication and i would just figure this
3:14
anxiety thing out on my own i’m just so
3:17
glad that i ended up taking the
3:18
medication because
3:20
once i had that anxiety under control or
3:23
more under control so you got your
3:25
anxiety under control this is what you
3:26
look like with anxiety under control
3:29
yes
3:32
yes
3:33
but yeah i was finally able to see
3:36
clearly the other things that were going
3:39
on with me and one of those things was
3:41
adhd i always use the example with
3:43
people that medication was like a
3:46
metronome for my emotions
3:48
it helped me
3:49
stay in balance and my emotions would
3:51
still speed up and they would get hot or
3:53
they would slow down and i would get sad
3:56
but still i could feel the rhythm of my
3:57
emotions and
3:59
better understand the other things that
4:00
were going on with the medication it was
4:02
like wow okay i know how i’m feeling i
4:05
feel normal right that’s a common fear
4:07
people are afraid they’ll take
4:08
medication and they won’t be themselves
4:10
or feel normal
4:11
and
4:12
wow i’m really distracted all the time
4:14
what’s that about and that’s what
4:15
launched us into the conversation about
4:18
my having adhd and it’s really
4:20
interesting because part of adhd is also
4:23
trouble managing emotions and that’s why
4:25
i said earlier that the anxiety and the
4:27
adhd gets so tangled up because anxiety
4:29
makes it hard to manage emotions and so
4:31
does adhd but i think i’m starting to be
4:35
able to sort out the difference in like
4:36
what that means to me personally with
4:39
the adhd difficulty managing emotions it
4:42
is so hard to put the brakes on my
4:44
feelings i work really hard to just take
4:47
a breath
4:48
between action and reaction and
4:52
i don’t always succeed i do better when
4:55
i’m taking my adhd medication but
4:58
there’s a lot of overlap there and it’s
5:00
confusing some of the strategies you’re
5:02
talking about that like taking a breath
5:04
those are things that all of us need to
5:06
learn how to do right
5:08
but i think in some ways because you
5:11
have this diagnosis and you know that
5:14
it’s hard to put the brakes on the
5:15
emotions you’re kind of ahead of the
5:17
game when we hear about people having a
5:19
diagnosis we think oh no they have adhd
5:22
what’s their life going to be like but
5:24
on the other side of it it’s
5:26
oh my gosh i know i have adhd
5:29
and now i know how to manage it right so
5:30
i watch you do it
5:32
i hear you say i need a moment we know
5:35
each other well enough that i can say to
5:36
you hey i think you need a moment and i
5:38
love when you say that to me
5:40
you say it to me too i mean let’s be
5:42
honest here it’s a reciprocal kind of
5:44
thing what was the moment that made you
5:46
say
5:47
i can’t carry this
5:49
by myself anymore the moment that i i
5:52
realized i couldn’t carry this by myself
5:54
anymore
5:55
was my adhd aha moment after my
5:58
diagnosis
6:00
i went home to visit my family for a
6:02
holiday so i went to my childhood home
6:05
and i was in my bedroom
6:07
and i was going through all of my
6:09
journals from high school i was a really
6:12
avid journaler i was always writing down
6:14
everything not just you know emotional
6:17
entries but lists and things i needed to
6:19
do so it’s all becoming clearer here
6:20
right right and i was going through my
6:23
journals one day and i stumbled across
6:27
one particular journal that had entry
6:29
after entry i think this was a journal
6:31
from when i was 13 or 14
6:33
and
6:34
every other page just had the word focus
6:37
scribbled all over the pages
6:40
everywhere in different shapes some in
6:42
bubble letters like a kid would do it
6:44
was very emotional to see my childhood
6:46
writing and my childhood struggles
6:49
all coming together and i know that i
6:52
was consciously writing the word focus
6:54
but i had no idea why i was doing that
6:57
but in hindsight i look back and i
6:58
realized oh my gosh i wanted to be so
7:01
perfect
7:03
all the time and i was struggling so
7:04
hard to focus on getting things done
7:07
on following through with schedules and
7:11
my schedule was packed back then i was a
7:14
star athlete a straight a student
7:16
i
7:17
you know i had a lot of friends but i
7:19
was struggling so much
7:21
to just be perfect and to hide the
7:23
secret that i didn’t even know i had and
7:26
i just started crying i was bawling when
7:31
i stumbled across these pages it just
7:33
became clear and i was like oh this is
7:35
real
7:36
i have adhd
7:38
were you crying because
7:42
you realized you had adhd and it was
7:44
real
7:45
or were you crying
7:46
for
7:47
the laura who didn’t know that i was
7:49
absolutely crying for the laura who
7:51
didn’t know that i wish that that laura
7:55
had noticed these things earlier and
7:58
asked for help
8:00
so that i wouldn’t have been so hard on
8:01
myself all the time i’m not saying that
8:04
i wanted to slack off or anything like
8:06
that and that’s another myth it’s not
8:08
about slacking off it’s about not
8:10
pushing myself to the point where i was
8:12
barely sleeping amanda i was up all
8:14
night working on my ap calc homework my
8:17
ap physics my ap literature homework
8:19
practicing basketball and volleyball for
8:21
five hours a day
8:23
never ever giving myself a break i
8:25
remember one time
8:27
i actually got in trouble from one of my
8:30
coaches
8:31
because during the junior varsity game i
8:33
was on the varsity team
8:34
instead of watching the game i was doing
8:36
my homework because i was so nervous
8:38
about getting it done i must have been
8:40
the only kid in high school who got in
8:41
trouble for doing too much homework
8:44
so let’s talk about perfectionism for a
8:46
minute because that’s such a key point
8:47
of your story
8:49
is how perfectionism
8:51
was your coping mechanism it was your
8:53
way to sort of stay on top of things
8:56
now i’m going to go a little bit expert
8:57
on you here because you know that like
8:58
that’s what i do do it it’s not uncommon
9:01
perfectionism and adhd for women is one
9:04
of the most common things that happen
9:06
together it’s a control thing right and
9:09
i don’t mean controlling like i have to
9:10
be in control of everybody but it’s a
9:12
control like i have to be in control of
9:15
my image i have to be control of
9:17
everything i’ve got
9:19
lined up
9:20
i have to do it best i have to make sure
9:23
i am not
9:24
failing in any kind of way and i think
9:26
that perfectionism
9:28
a lot of times is about making sure that
9:31
we are not looking like we’re failing to
9:33
the rest of the world right and i think
9:36
when you feel like on the inside that
9:38
you’re failing
9:40
even though other people can’t see it
9:41
you have to work harder and harder
9:43
to keep up with your own expectations
9:46
and it becomes perfectionism i know that
9:49
both of my kids
9:50
who have adhd and executive functioning
9:52
issues
9:54
they hate to fail they would rather not
9:56
do something than fail at it and that’s
9:59
the kind of thing that happens often
10:01
with people who have adhd and
10:04
i don’t know i’m watching you a little
10:06
bit we’re sitting here watching you
10:07
you’re getting a little teary tell me
10:09
about this
10:10
i don’t need to say anything else you
10:11
just summed it up i relate to your kids
10:13
that’s
10:14
taking a chance trying something new
10:16
that i might fail at doing this podcast
10:19
these are huge risks for me i’m
10:21
scared i’m this is a way that i’m
10:23
pushing myself right like just in life
10:26
trying to be okay with not being perfect
10:28
or
10:29
failing we don’t want this podcast to
10:30
fail though by the way share tell a
10:32
friend but yeah
10:33
[Laughter]
10:35
your expectations may be super high but
10:37
we’re not going to fail
10:41
[Music]
10:49
we’ve worked together for almost what a
10:50
decade now and i only found out about
10:53
two years ago literally when we started
10:55
working on in it together that you have
10:57
adhd
10:59
and it was really surprising to me that
11:01
you were so private about it for such a
11:03
long time i mean i noticed that you were
11:06
a tremendously organized person and i
11:08
just thought that was your personality
11:10
but it sounds like you were working hard
11:12
at that why did you not tell us sooner
11:14
yes you’re right that i was working
11:16
very hard at that it was very new to me
11:18
when we started working together so
11:20
about six years ago that was just a few
11:23
years after i had been diagnosed with
11:25
adhd i worked at understood at that time
11:28
and looking back i can’t believe that i
11:30
was carrying some of the same stigma
11:32
about myself and the same myths that
11:35
other people with adhd have despite
11:37
having worked there that just goes to
11:38
show how strong those myths and that
11:41
stigma can be and how deep they run the
11:43
conversation has changed a lot in the
11:46
past five years right so
11:49
adhd in women
11:51
looks really different can you tell me a
11:53
little bit about what you thought adhd
11:55
looked like before you were diagnosed
11:56
with it i thought adhd looked like
11:59
something you could look at
12:00
right something noticeable something
12:02
very visible hyperactivity running
12:05
around
12:06
roughhousing fidgeting
12:09
being overly restless and it does look
12:11
that way to some people men and women
12:14
boys and girls
12:15
but that’s not how it was surfacing for
12:17
me for me it was surfacing through
12:21
constant distraction i couldn’t keep my
12:24
focus if something distracted me and i
12:26
couldn’t get it back i was having so
12:28
much trouble getting organized and
12:31
following through on tasks i think it’s
12:33
such a good point about distraction for
12:36
women that’s a fairly common symptom
12:38
that distraction and inability to focus
12:41
and those kinds of things
12:43
that i think a lot of people don’t
12:45
automatically think oh that’s adhd and
12:47
it’s funny that you mentioned amanda
12:49
that working together you thought that i
12:51
was the most organized person and i’m
12:53
not surprised that you thought that
12:54
because i worked my butt off to make it
12:57
seem that way i used to do this thing
12:59
where i would give myself
13:01
fake deadlines in order to get something
13:03
done on time so if i had a presentation
13:06
that was due on a friday i would tell
13:08
myself that it was due on wednesday
13:10
and i would actually make myself believe
13:12
that was true to the point that
13:14
wednesday would come around and i’d say
13:15
why isn’t anyone asking for this yet
13:18
i can’t imagine what that was like for
13:20
you i can’t imagine you carrying that
13:22
and having everybody else think that
13:24
you were so on top of it and feeling on
13:26
the inside like you weren’t do you think
13:28
your aha moment has changed how you are
13:31
in the workplace are you
13:33
still as hard on yourself
13:35
no i’m not i mean i think i’m someone
13:37
who will always be hard on myself but
13:39
not nearly to the degree that i used to
13:41
be as a teenager throughout my 20s in my
13:44
early 30s you know now as i approach 40
13:48
i feel so much more empathy toward
13:49
myself i feel okay with asking for help
13:53
or saying something like hey i didn’t
13:55
actually catch everything you just said
13:57
would you mind putting that in an email
13:58
for me so i can go back to it later say
14:01
10 years from now you’re in a different
14:02
workplace what would you do now
14:05
knowing that you have adhd that you
14:07
wouldn’t have done in your 20s well i’ll
14:10
tell you what i hope i would do i hope
14:13
that
14:14
i would disclose my adhd from the get-go
14:17
not as something that i’m ashamed of but
14:19
as something that is part of what makes
14:21
me unique is also part of what makes me
14:23
good at what i do and is also going to
14:25
cause some struggles here and there that
14:27
i’m going to accommodate for i would
14:29
hope that for anyone that they would
14:30
feel comfortable doing that and
14:32
especially women women with adhd i think
14:35
i’m clearly generalizing here i’m a
14:37
sample of one but i think that we work
14:39
really hard to hide
14:41
our
14:43
quote unquote imperfections i think
14:45
sometimes we feel like
14:47
we don’t want to admit that we need
14:50
support because it may make us look weak
14:53
and i actually think speaking up for
14:55
what you need makes you look
14:57
strong but maybe it makes you feel
14:59
weaker sometimes
15:00
you know for somebody who wasn’t
15:02
diagnosed until later in life you’ve
15:04
really come so far
15:06
to be able to
15:08
not just internalize it and realize
15:11
there’s nothing wrong with this this is
15:12
just who i am but also to start
15:15
talking about it with your family and
15:17
start teaching them what is working for
15:19
you
15:20
my six-year-old she it’s funny sometimes
15:22
i hear her reciting the strategies back
15:24
to me when i’m having trouble
15:27
that’s amazing it makes me really proud
15:30
of myself and of her when i hear her
15:33
repeating back to me the same things i
15:34
said to her like
15:36
okay i know that this might be upsetting
15:38
but let’s we’re just going to take a
15:39
moment right now and she’ll say that to
15:40
me
15:42
sometimes in ways that i don’t adore
15:44
like i’ll be like you really you need to
15:46
tie your shoes right now because we have
15:48
to leave we’re gonna be late and she’ll
15:50
say laura not laura she doesn’t call me
15:52
laura she’ll say mom i think you really
15:54
should just take a minute for yourself
15:55
right now and calm down
15:57
isn’t it the worst when they throw that
15:59
back at us
16:00
so annoying we teach them well and then
16:02
they teach us right back that’s just
16:04
parenthood but
16:06
i think it’s cool that she’s learning
16:08
those things and i see it in action yeah
16:10
i really hope that the lessons that i’m
16:13
learning on this journey with adhd that
16:16
as my kids get older and if we start to
16:19
notice signs of adhd or if we don’t
16:22
either way i want to help my kids
16:24
understand that it’s okay
16:26
and yeah you still need to work hard
16:29
but
16:30
mommy maybe worked herself a little bit
16:32
too hard
16:34
and you don’t need to be a perfectionist
16:36
about things
16:39
[Music]
16:50
the last time we had a conversation
16:51
about this and that was a couple of
16:53
years ago you hadn’t talked to many
16:55
people outside of just the few friends
16:58
and your immediate family has that
17:01
changed yes it has i’m actually excited
17:04
about that i have had so many encounters
17:07
with people
17:08
in a further orbit of friendship not my
17:11
closest friends but friends of friends
17:13
it’s like there’s something that draws
17:14
us to each other they will tell me about
17:16
an experience that they have with like
17:18
their child struggling with adhd not
17:21
even knowing what i do for a living and
17:23
i say you know what i have adhd i
17:25
understand
17:26
and they look at me with this look of
17:29
relief like oh my gosh she gets it she’s
17:32
not judging me that’s fantastic and it
17:34
feels so good so you get to hear
17:36
people’s aha moments all the time
17:39
i do and i’m putting a bet on what i
17:41
think is a fact that everyone with adhd
17:43
had some kind of adhd aha moment whether
17:46
it be pre-diagnosis
17:48
post-diagnosis
17:50
there is some
17:52
moment that finally is your tipping
17:54
point and helps you understand oh this
17:56
is real oh i need to be kind to myself
17:59
oh i i need help with this the reason i
18:02
want to do this show
18:04
is because i hear all the time no adhd
18:07
isn’t real or i hear the opposite of
18:09
that which is everybody has adhd
18:11
and you hear that so much these days in
18:13
our pandemic world where so many people
18:16
are struggling with focus
18:18
struggling to manage emotions they’re
18:20
feeling restless etc etc
18:22
and
18:23
it may be true that a lot of people are
18:25
struggling but adhd is unique and it’s
18:27
complicated
18:29
and
18:30
the
18:30
behaviors that are symptoms of adhd i
18:33
think can be really confusing for a lot
18:35
of people because they are this kind of
18:38
ubiquitous universal human behavior it’s
18:42
true everybody has trouble focusing
18:44
sometimes everybody goes off the handle
18:46
sometimes and has trouble managing their
18:48
emotions everybody gets fidgety from
18:50
time to time but with adhd it’s like
18:53
these human behaviors on steroids
18:55
they’re bigger they are
18:56
harder to harness you have a real
18:58
brain-based difficulty
19:00
that you need support for whether that’s
19:01
medication or therapy or meditation
19:04
whatever it may be and i want people to
19:08
hear other people’s stories hear about
19:10
those tipping points those aha moments
19:12
that other people had and realized that
19:14
yeah that moment was way different than
19:16
mine but i get it i’ve had that tipping
19:18
point too and feel that community reduce
19:21
some of that internal
19:22
stigma or that not being allowed to be
19:26
differentness or not being allowed to be
19:28
imperfectness i think it’s so cool that
19:31
people seek you out to tell you stories
19:33
i wonder what that’s about i wonder if
19:34
there’s some sort of brain wave
19:36
freelance thing going on there what’s
19:38
the exp water finds itself something
19:40
like that oh i like that i don’t think
19:42
i’ve ever heard that yeah someone said
19:43
that to me years ago it always stuck
19:45
with me water finds itself you can
19:46
picture the water kind of pulling
19:48
together you know laura my husband was
19:51
also diagnosed in his 30s after our son
19:54
was diagnosed because all of a sudden he
19:55
went back and looked at his childhood
19:57
differently and i remember
19:59
asking you if i could tell him about our
20:01
conversations
20:03
because
20:04
it felt like if i could tell him there’s
20:05
somebody else out there besides me who
20:08
got it
20:09
he’d feel connected and i know that you
20:11
and he have had conversations about this
20:12
now and i think that’s what this does is
20:14
it brings community together in such a
20:16
beautiful way do you think aha moments
20:18
are things that can be
20:20
forced or do you think they’re
20:22
epiphanies
20:24
i think they’re epiphanies but maybe
20:26
people will prove me wrong through the
20:28
course of this podcast
20:30
i can’t wait to hear from everybody i’m
20:32
hoping that hearing other people’s aha
20:34
moments will bring about those
20:36
epiphanies and i think it’s so brave of
20:38
you to talk about this for your very
20:40
first episode and i think it makes you
20:42
the perfect person to host this podcast
20:45
it’s interesting to me
20:47
to hear you say that it’s a risk
20:50
because
20:51
to me
20:52
i don’t see this as a risk i see it as
20:54
as a leap right it’s like something
20:56
new that you don’t know how to do and
20:58
maybe that’s growth
21:00
yeah it is you’re right that’s not how
21:02
it works in my brain all the time but
21:05
that’s why we’re friends because you can
21:07
remind me of that right oh well and also
21:09
because
21:10
i’m saying it to you
21:12
and you’ll say it to me tomorrow i think
21:14
that’s one of the things that is so
21:16
beneficial about talking about adhd with
21:19
somebody else is that you have people
21:21
who you can lean on who are going to say
21:22
things to like this is growth laura this
21:25
is not a risk
21:26
this is
21:27
something to be really proud of and i
21:29
can say that to you because i know you
21:31
and i know how your brain works right
21:33
and i know that your brain on the inside
21:35
it’s moving a mile a minute and it’s
21:36
telling you all the things that could go
21:38
wrong and it’s telling you all the
21:39
things that that you’re worried about
21:41
and what if you forget to say this and
21:42
what if you don’t do this and oh my gosh
21:44
i didn’t write it down
21:46
get out of my head
21:48
sorry
21:50
and that
21:51
listeners is why amanda is interviewing
21:53
laura today
21:58
you’ve been listening to adhd aha from
22:01
the understood podcast network you can
22:03
listen and subscribe to adhd aha on
22:06
apple spotify or anywhere you get your
22:08
podcasts and if you like what you heard
22:10
today tell someone about the show
22:12
we rely on listeners like you to reach
22:14
and support more people
22:16
and if you want to share your own aha
22:18
moment email us at
22:20
adhdaha understood.org
22:23
i’d love to hear from you you can go to
22:25
u.org
22:26
adhd aha to find details on each episode
22:30
and related resources that’s the letter
22:32
u as an understood dot o r g slash adhd
22:37
aha understood as a not-for-profit
22:40
organization we have no affiliation with
22:42
pharmaceutical companies we have an
22:44
ambitious mission to shape the world for
22:46
difference and we welcome you to join us
22:49
in achieving our goals learn more at
22:51
understood.org slash mission adhd aha is
22:55
produced by jessamine mali say hi
22:57
jessamine hi everyone justin d wright
23:00
created our music seth melnick and
23:02
brianna berry are our production
23:04
directors scott cochier is our creative
23:06
director and i’m your host laura key
23:09
editorial director at understood thanks
23:12
so much for listening
23:16
[Music]
23:37
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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The post ADHD, Anxiety, and Perfectionism With Laura [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.