What No One Tells You About Sex After Marriage


Let me ask.

Do you still dress up as a hot waitress in red bottom heels as you did during dating?

Do you still light those scented candles or set the trail of roses on the bedroom floor?

Do you still engage in role-playing?

More to the point, do you even remember where you stored the sexy lingerie? Oh, wait, you haven’t owned a pair since 2007.

P.S. If you still do, more power to you.


Because most married people I know no longer do any of these. Someone has to think about the next mortgage payment, daycare schedule, and doctor’s visits. Yawn.

A lot of singles dip their feet into the waters of marriage with expectations of great, phenomenal sex till kingdom come.

Yet the truth is: Sex after marriage isn’t the same as sex during dating.

It’s no less exciting, but it burns differently.

The problem isn’t that sex takes on a different shape. It’s that couples never reset their expectations because no one tells them what to expect.

So, let me do you the honor of telling you what no one tells you about sex after the big M.

Sex is replaced by two more important things.

Over time, the flurry of enthusiasm for sex gradually fades. But this doesn’t mean love dissipates.

Okay, maybe a teeny weeny bit.

It just means some rules become replaced by others. Sex still matters but not as much as intimacy and commitment.

And intimacy in marriage looks very different from intimacy during dating.

In marriage, it’s a relaxed kind.

It’s lying down next to your SO as you read a book. It’s watching a late-night show together when the kids are in slumberland.

And what does commitment look like?

Well, it’s those calls in the afternoon asking if your spouse made it to the school event. It’s remembering to pick up your spouse’s dry cleaning. You know, the ordinary, boring everyday stuff.

Yeah, that’s commitment.

Photo by Romi Yusardi on Unsplash

What they show you on porn.com is very different from marriage sex.

A friend recently discovered that her husband of two years has been secretly popping the little blue pulls, aka Viagra.

“I don’t know what to think. Is he trying to prove something to himself or to me? Also, why does he feel the need to do it secretly?”

I could think of many things to say, but I zipped my mouth.

She said she suspects his need for Viagra stems from watching porn.

Aaah. Now I see.

Look, pornography has its people — each to their game.

That said, here’s what no one tells you about sex as it relates to what I hear about porn.

Full disclosure: I’ve never watched porn. Not because I’m angel Gabriel-wannabe or something, but because I think it’s disgusting.

Pornography is the worst benchmark you can have for your sexual experience.

If you want to set unrealistic expectations for your sex life, try going down that rabbit hole called pornography, and you’ll discover that:

  • Expecting to have an erect penis for two hours is fooling yourself.
  • Expecting your woman to stay lubricated/wet or for her vagina to look like Sue of Porn.com to fool yourself.
  • Expecting the humping to go on and on and on till kingdom come is to… you get the drift.


That aside — and on a more serious note — porn can ruin your life.

It’s like a seductress who lures you in and digs her long red nails into your neck. Before you know it, you’re bleeding out and staring death in the face.

Porn can be addictive.

This is why, if you can’t function without it or feel the need to step away from your work to quench your thirst frequently, you might need to get help.

Photo by Michael Prewett on Unsplash

You know all that sexual stuff you see at the movies?

The one where a dude and his lady rip off each other’s clothes at the speed of lighting, build momentum, experience an earth-shattering climax simultaneously, and then lay in bed, steamy, worn out but content.

Yeah, that rarely happens.

And it definitely doesn’t happen in marriage sex.

For starters, not all women can orgasm.

Quoting Psychology Today:

In a study of heterosexual encounters, only 50 to 70 percent of women reported having orgasms compared to 95 percent of men.

Meaning, you can chant and summon the ancestors and still? Nothing.

It’s just how these babes are wired. That’s not to say they don’t relish the pleasure of sex.

Far from it.

Contrary to what many people think, the end goal of sex isn’t to orgasm. Sure, it’s good to make it to the mountain top, but the journey is no less pleasurable.

Secondly, rarely — if ever — do two people orgasm simultaneously; even when this happens, it’s because one partner exercises control. ‘Nuff said.

Then there are the gals who never orgasm through penetration. They’re a special breed, requiring different techniques like clitoral stimulation.

Where were we?

Your sexual trajectory doesn’t always follow a straight line.

Think back to when you and Jay first started rolling in the hay.

During those first months, you were on cloud nine. You wore a glow that never faded. Even your colleagues knew you were getting some.

Why do you think they threw you those cheeky looks?

Let’s now imagine it’s a year later with the same partner.

Tell me. How are things looking in that department?

I suspect that you — and many married couples- will say, yes, you still adore your spouse but aren’t necessarily tearing each other’s clothes off at first sight.

But let’s be honest for a second; we’re all friends here.

Not everyone experiences explosive sex during the initial months. Why?

Well… virgins exist, for example. And sexual inexperience is more common than people think.

Some people may find themselves not knowing the ins and outs of the game (pun totally intended), so their game would be a disaster.

Until they finally know what they are doing.

What makes the biggest difference in sex after marriage is losing the awkwardness. You’re no longer shy or self-conscious because the pressure to perform is not there anymore.

As you build trust, you teach each other about our bodies’ preferences. You learn how to meet your lover’s specific sexual needs.

This is why you should never discount someone because their sexual prowess doesn’t meet your standard initially.

Masturbation after marriage is very healthy.

Yes, you can still pleasure yourself even after marriage, and it doesn’t mean your intimacy is broken.

There’s nothing wrong with exploring your body; you should never feel guilty about this.

As long as you don’t turn it into an addiction or use it as a substitute for marital sex, masturbation can be fun.

You only need an army of one to get the job done. You can do it anytime. And you only need to pursue your own pleasure. There’s no pressure to please someone else.

Also, mutual masturbation can spice up your bedroom game if you give it a shot.

Sex is short but efficient.

Please tell us if you know of married couples that spend hours having sex.

Sex after marriage is short. People are tired. Plus, there are always a million little things nipping at your heels.

But make no mistake.

Marriage sex hits all the right spots because you understand each other’s body better. There’s no second-guessing.

Your body confidence is no longer an issue. That flab?

You ain’t hiding it anymore because it is what it is. You mean business, and you ain’t about to waste time playing games.

All this to say:

If you’re considering marriage, please understand this isn’t meant to rain all over your sexual parade.

It’s to give you an idea of what’s coming so that you can reset your expectations and find innovative ways to keep the sexual flames burning longer.

This post was previously published on medium.com.


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